PROLOGUE
Ever since I was five years old I wanted to be a singer. I should rephrase that by saying that I wanted to be an entertainer. I wanted to be the one who put joy on people’s faces as I put my heart and soul out there for everyone as I performed on a stage. The rush of energy being completely vulnerable in front of an audience and hearing their support is the only drug that I want to be addicted to. I started small, by singing and dancing at family gatherings just to entertain everyone. It was a great form of positive reinforcement, because no matter what I did my family would applaud me. I begged and begged for a chance to learn how to play music and that Christmas I had gotten a keyboard so I could learn to play music for real. My parents promised me that if I worked hard at it that one day they would get me professional lessons. I couldn’t be separated from that little keyboard and it was soon my mission in life to learn how to create every possible sound that could be made.
As I got better at playing the keyboard, I had started to make up words and sing along to the melody I was creating. Even when I was that young, I knew that creating my own songs was going to be the only way that I would even be taken seriously in the music world. These weren’t formal songs and I wasn’t a lyrical talent at first, but it was enough for me to discover what I was passionate about with no inkling in my mind of anything else that I could be. I just kept trying every second that I could play on that little keyboard to be better than I was before. Even then, I had this inherent knowledge that talent alone was not going to be good enough to make a dream become reality. Everyone who makes it into a profession that is talent based is talented, but the ones that want to be great will push themselves beyond their own talent and never rest on it.
I remember getting my first guitar for my 7th birthday and that was one of the greatest moments in my life. I loved the feel of the steel strings and how smoothly they would cut through my skin. I was so enamored by playing that I never even noticed the first time my fingertips bled. My mom, of course, freaked out at the sight of me playing the guitar with a bloody hand. It didn’t hurt. It made music something real to me. I was enthralled with the thought that I could literally pour my blood out to work on the craft of being a musician and it is the greatest sensation that I have ever felt from something physical.
Being creative is my one true love, which would explain why all of my relationships have a tendency to fade away. I was always more focused on creating a good song than creating something magical with some guy. I know that’s shitty for the guy, but I have my own dreams that I need to accomplish. I’m not saying that I don’t want to be loved, but I need a guy who understands that I can’t be the center of his world. I want to be the best at what I do and that means putting in a lot of time to make myself better than I could ever imagine being. I wanted to be considered a great songwriter and performer. I knew that I would have to get out of this small town, because that’s not where dreams come true. You go to a small town to die; you need the big lights to make things happen.
I knew that I was going to have to sacrifice a lot of normality growing up to do what I know is my very heart and soul. Singing, writing and creating music comes as effortlessly to me as breathing and I will give my all to make my way into the world. I am ready for the ridicule that I will face, because I know that I will be different than the other kids at school. In order to be great, you have to sacrifice normal. If I wanted normal, I’d be dating the quarterback of the football team and hoping that he can be something great and I can just live off his money. I’ve got my own dreams and I want to grow into a woman who doesn’t need to hang onto a man for financial support.
I wasn’t sure if the world was going to be accepting of someone so young being so driven to succeed in a business of adults, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I knew that if I could get one door to open for me that I would do whatever I could do within the reach of my talent to keep that door open forever. I was firmly determined to only sell my music and not use my femininity to make my way easier. I wanted to be respected for my talent and drive and not be ridiculed by how many clothes I was willing to take off. That’s the hardest thing being a female in this visually constructed world that overwhelms our thoughts and beliefs, being respected for talent, drive, or intellect instead of how great you look. I knew that I would have to have some sort of visual image to market myself, but I was not going to let that be dominant part of my marketing or what was going to define me as an artist.
I fear what will happen if I am successful. The journey to capturing a dream is always more exciting than maintaining the dream. I worry about what the world will think of me. I see the cynical nature of the world at large and it frightens me. Everyone will be watching for the first mistake and that’s when they will try to crush your spirit. I hope that I am strong enough to not let them knock me down. If you are not strong enough, they will break you down to the point where you will doubt every choice that can be made. I refuse to live with doubt. If you tell me that my dream is impossible, then I will fight that much harder. Impossible is not a word in my vocabulary. I have to be a star and be a source of inspiration for all of those people that want to hear my voice.
How hard will it be just to break in the business? It’s not like they just give out a record deal, because I want one. I know that I am going to have to stand out and shine in a crowd of many like-minded people. I have already been knocking on so many doors giving out some recordings that I have made already that my parents were gracious enough to pay for. I realize that I am going to have to have a little luck along the way or catch lightning in a bottle, but the thing about catching lightning or luck is that I will put myself in the position for the possibility for that to happen. I do not want to be a star, although that is a side effect of the job that I want. The inner peace for me will be performing or recording new music because that is the part of the job that I will love. The creative side and the performing side of my career will always be the most important parts to me. Those aspects will be fun; being a celebrity will be work.
Will I be able to attract a fan base? That’s so important in the beginning. I’ll have to create a buzz to make the labels actually interested in me. If I can’t do that, then I’ll be nothing. I cannot be a nobody. I am meant to be remembered. If you aren’t living a life that is exciting and glamorous, then you aren’t living at all. I long for the adoration that comes with being a star. I want to have millions of people hanging on and dying to hear each new record that I make. There is nothing more worth living for than to be completely showered in the starlight. If you aren’t living a life that is exciting and glamorous, then you aren’t living at all.
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