Here I am, another night and I’m with another girl and it is a great feeling to feel the fierce, glorious passion of fucking a complete stranger. It is a feeling that I know all too well and I absolutely love. The only uncomfortable feeling about bedding a complete stranger is the proper etiquette that goes with the post-coital experience. It is a little easier for me when I go back to the girl’s place. I wait for them to fall asleep and then sneak out in the night; I know it is a bit of a douchebag thing to do, but I really hate sleeping in someone else’s bed. It’s not the nicest thing in the world, but I’m sure the girl understands. Those moments aren’t about a couple making love together; it’s a one-night stand and we all know the rules that go with that action.
When I bring the girl back to my place that is the more challenging scenario, because I have learned from my vast experiences on the matter that the girl will stay the night and I don’t quite understand that, but I live with it. The only thing that I can think is that even when a woman does the shameless act of going home and bedding a complete stranger that they still want that comfort of the relationship sex, by sleeping next to the guy.
I don’t know the difference between relationship sex and casual fucking, because I have never entered into a relationship in my 35 years of walking the Earth. I realize that may come as a complete shock to some of you out there, but I never saw the point in it because I always had the ability to pick up a girl at the bar or the nightclub. To me, a relationship is like going from an all-you-can smorgasbord to eating a burger every night. Now, a burger tastes great every now and again, but I’m not sure that I want to eat it every night.
Going back to the awkwardness of a complete stranger trying to fall asleep next to me, it just strikes me as odd that after satisfying our base, carnal desires that the woman wants to still share the intimacy. Maybe they are just tired after the ravaging that goes on, or maybe they just feel safer staying in my bed then going home in the early morning hours. I guess it can be a little lonely and fearful to be on the city streets in the early morning, at least that seems like a logical reason.
Tonight, now that Lindsey, the incredibly nubile blonde here has fallen asleep, I will do my usual activity and quietly sneak out of the bed and go into my living room area of my apartment. This is the starting point of my bachelor pad. It is the first room that is seen once anyone comes in the door. I have strict guidelines on how my place looks, because I like to uphold the appearance that my place is the best place that a young woman can come to on a given night.
Before we go on the grand tour, I suppose I should tell you all a little more about myself. My name is Shawn Hartings and as I said earlier, I’m 35 and still a happily single male.
The first thing that all you bachelors should invest in is a vacuum cleaner. If you are special and have hardwood floors to your place, then definitely invest in a Swifter to keep them nice and clean, but for those of you like me who have carpeting, for the sake of your cock buy a vacuum and keep your carpet clean. Women notice shit like that even in their impaired state. It has been well-chronicled that one of the very first thing a woman notices is a man’s shoes and how clean they are, well the same principle works for your floors as well. Believe me, it is one of the first things that will be noticed by a female. This also means keeping your shoes that you keep by the door neat and in an organized manner. I know, you are all thinking that this being really anal, because you aren’t really caring what the girl is thinking since you don’t plan on seeing her again, but she will notice and girls talk. Maybe you will not bang that girl again, but maybe you will run into some of her friends and you will have the benefit of her putting in a subconscious good word for you, because she will tell her friends that you have a nice, neat place. If your place is messy and dirty, believe me all her friends will know about it and that will hurt your chances of getting laid.
The next step is the layout of your living room. There are many theories and design styles that one can choose, but I go with keep it comfy. You are the one who lives here, so don’t go out of your way setting up everything to look trendy and cool. Go with what suits you is always the best strategy, but again make sure your shit is clean. One of the best ways to help you out in that matter is the color of everything. I would recommend having at least a sofa, but I like having the look of a comfortable place that people can hang out at, so I have a sofa and a love seat. One of the best ways to help keep those large items is to break down and spend a few extra bucks and get them in black leather. It is much easier to keep black leather clean than white cloth. Also, you aren’t a savage anymore, so have a nice coffee table to offset your seating style. I like mine with its glass top and black frame. The coffee table is a tricky item, because you can have anything you want there, but just make sure it looks decent. Having a magazine or a book still on the table looks good, because it makes you look like you like to keep yourself informed and it makes it look like you actually live there and not like it is a museum.
That is one of the keys to your pad; you have to make sure it looks like you live there, but also keep it inviting. Impressions are the key to the business of being a successful bachelor, as I said earlier girls talk to each other and you want to have a top notch reputation when it comes to the females of the world. It is all an act. You must appear to be a nice guy, while you are secretly a douchebag. Let’s be honest, if you were completely a nice guy, then you wouldn’t be out playing this game. The nice guys find themselves a nice girl and settle down and start a family and then proceed to the long, slow ride to the grave. I want to keep myself away from that ride as long as possible; hence, I play this game and have reaped the benefits of it for a long time.
Going back to the living room design, another important part is the set-up of your entertainment. The one good thing about the rise of the flat screen TV’s is that it made those ugly ass, one piece entertainment centers obsolete. Those were horrible, monstrous units that only took up space. I’m not big on the whole wall mount idea for the TV; it just leads to the risk of it falling off sometime and I don’t like the idea of something that I spend that much money on just hanging on the wall. It’s a fucking TV, not a work of art. Again, go with best suits you and how you want to design your living quarters. My entertainment center is one of those that have many layers, so I can have my satellite box and my Blu-ray player on different levels. I think it just looks tacky and cluttered to have those items on top of each other. Also, make sure you spend the time to make sure all the wires aren’t visible and out all over the place. Spend a few bucks on a damn power strip and some zip-ties to make it look nice and neat.
I’m at the age where I don’t have a video game system anymore, but I’m sure some of you out there are younger than I am and have some sort of system. It doesn’t matter if you do, that’s not where I am going with this, but I’ll keep it simple when you are done put the stuff away. You don’t want to leave your controller sitting on your couch or coffee table. The majority of females out there still carry negative connotations for a guy who is gamer, no matter how cool the new technology makes it all seem and you don’t want to give yourself negative connotations in the banging business. Get up off your ass when you are done and put the controller away next to your system to make it at least look like you aren’t playing it daily.
Next, make sure you have some nice looking unit to hold all of your movies, games, music or whatever else. I take a lot of shit for my film collection, because I do have a few chick flicks. Sometimes you have to put in a little extra effort and when you bring a girl back to your place she doesn’t want to jump right into fucking your brains out and you have to sit there and watch part of a movie with the girl before she gets herself comfortable with the deed that she is about to do. However, if you have those kinds of films, then you have to make sure that you have an equal amount of guy stuff. Make sure you have the good old action films or sports films, whatever suits your tastes, but you don’t want to be seen as a guy who has chick flicks and chick flicks only. Let me save you the suspense in what will happen there will be no ass in your future. You will be seen as the sweet, sensitive guy and I think we all know where that will lead. It’s a first class ticket directly to Friendville. Now, Friendville may be a nice place to visit, but it is hard to leave once you are there and you do not want to make have a permanent stay in Friendville.
Finally, there is one item that I have in my living room that I take way too much shit over, but I don’t care and if you are serious about playing this game to win, you won’t care either. The magic item is scented candles. Girls love a place that smells nice, so I sacrifice some of my man card by making sure my place doesn’t smell like pizza and stale beer. It has been a long time since I left the college life and I believe in having a nice place to come home to with a lovely lady. I know some of your boys will give you some serious shit about this; some of them may even call you gay, but remember you are the one fucking a beautiful woman and they are not. Women love a place that smells nice; it makes them feel comfortable and getting them comfortable is the key to getting them loosened up, which better be your intention for the night. I would go so far as to say that the candles are the ultimate key to your success once you get the lady home.
Now, if you will all follow me to the kitchen and dining area. I realize that these rooms are going to vary depending on how your place is set-up. These are rooms that are not going to be visited anyway. Therefore, I won’t waste much time talking about it. The woman is only going to catch a glancing view that night, granted she may get a better look at things the next morning, so for that reason all I have to say is keep it clean. It’s completely acceptable to have a glass or a dish in the sink, again in makes it look like you are busy and have a life, but you never want to have a sink full of dirty dishes. Lastly, keep your appliances clean. I know I sound ridiculously anal about the cleanliness, but it is more important than you could ever realize.
We are coming to the end of the grand tour of my pad, but I am going to insist on y’all to be very, very quiet because we do have a lady sleeping in my bed. Before I get into all my tips for the bedroom, let’s do a quick sweep of the bathroom. I’m sure most of you have the bathroom as an adjoining room to the bedroom like I do, so therefore it is an important room. The first and foremost rule to the bathroom is keeping the shitter clean. Yes, I know that we all enjoy cleaning the shitter so much, but it is important because a shiny bowl is a friendly bowl and a friendly bowl makes the woman feel comfortable.
Secondly, clean the fucking sink! Nothing is worse than a girl going to wash her hands and seeing a sink full of your shaving debris. It is easy to take care of and doesn’t take a lot of time. What you do is get a few sheets of toilet paper and wipe up the remains from your stubble and then drop the paper in the toilet and flush. Voila, you have a clean sink that won’t be a turn off to the lovely female that you brought home.
Next step, keep your shower clean. I know it is a rare occurrence when the lady will ask to shower at your place, but it does happen. I hate when those moments happen, but I don’t want to look like an asshole, so I let them take their shower. That is why it is important to keep your shower clean; you may like to shower in your own filth, but she won’t. Have some sort of organization for your shampoos and body washes and not have them sitting on the base of the tub. Keeping this area clean and organized helps complete the image that you are decent guy, even though you are living a questionably indecent lifestyle.
The final key to the bathroom, say it with me once more with feeling, the scented candle. You may enjoy the smell of your own shit, but I can say with absolute certainty that she doesn’t want to smell your shit. So, get a nice candle and light it up when you have to do that certain bodily function.
Now, we are ready for the most important room in your pad, the bedroom. This is the ultimate goal for all you bachelors out there to get a beautiful woman in here for the evening. Let’s start off with the bed. Depending on the size of your place will depend on your bed size. I don’t think that anyone should have a bed smaller than a queen size, but I understand if you can only fit a standard size in your room. If you still have a twin size bed, then you have two options get a new bed or you can just get the fuck out of my room right now. The main element here is making sure you have clean sheets on your bed. The last thing you want is to get cock blocked because you have bed sheets that smell like your dirty ass or are dirty. Dark colors are always a good idea for your bed sheets. You can live without having your bed completely made, because being truthful once you get her on the bed this is never going to be noticed, but if you like making your bed; by all means go right ahead.
Next, make sure you have some sort of night table by your bed. It doesn’t have to be anything spectacular just a nice little table that preferably has a drawer with it. The drawer is important so you have a place to keep your condoms and that they aren’t in plain sight. It is one thing to be prepared for action; it is a little tacky to make it look like sex was a foregone conclusion. You want to make it appear like this isn’t a lifestyle for you. It may be a one-night stand, but for some reason some women like to feel like this is a first time that you as a man are doing this, even though they know in their heart that you are a player.
The rest of the bedroom is pretty simple make it look neat and clean, but not obsessively neat and clean. It is quite ok for you to have a shirt or a pair of pants lying on the floor. Again, it makes you look like you have a life and are busy. You do not want to have a week’s worth of laundry lying on the floor. If you are guy who regularly does your laundry once a week, then make sure your dirty clothes are in a laundry basket preferably hidden in your closet. Get yourself one of those plug-in nice smelling things and keep it in your closet so your dirty laundry smell won’t get on your clean clothes.
I hope you all have learned a valuable lesson here tonight. The point of this entire lesson tonight is to help out all you gents out there supply a better experience for the lovely ladies out there. Yes, I do these things for my satisfaction, but I also want to create the best possible experience for all the beautiful women who are willing to come home with me.
I mean just look at Lindsey lying there in my bed with her long flowing blonde hair resting peacefully on my pillows. I let her wear one of my t-shirts to sleep in mostly because I think there is nothing sexier than a woman sleeping wearing a t-shirt and those hot little boy shorts. The pair she is wearing tonight is super-hot, because they are practically see-through. I can feel myself getting ready for round two. Hopefully, as I crawl back into bed she’ll wake up and want some more.
“Hey there, where have you been hiding?” Lindsey asks me in a groggy voice as she does wake up and she rolls over and puts her arm around me and places her head on the right side of my chest. I get more than slightly aroused as I feel her perfect 36C breasts against my ribs and lower abdomen area.
“Sorry, I wasn’t really sleepy and went to catch a little ESPN,” I say as kiss her on her forehead. “Are you ready for another round?”
“If you can handle it, I would love to, sexy,” she replies as she looks up at me.
“Oh, I know I can handle it,” I say with a smile on my face as Lindsey slides over to straddle my body and we start kissing once again. I think it is definitely time for me to say goodnight to all of you out there as I much grander things to do right now than teach all of you anymore tonight. If you don’t know how to fuck, then you should learn how to do that before you get the rocking pad. Good night y’all, it’s time to feel a massive rush of blood leave my brain and make a journey to a lower destination on southern train.
