CHAPTER 3
After the evening I just had with Bill and Steve, you would think that I would just head home, but that wouldn’t be like me. I’ve got a pretty good buzz going on right now and would like to turn it into a full on drunken night. It sucked playing nice with those two all night and now I just want to crash into my old, familiar place and try and enjoy the rest of the evening. I open the door to Bleachers and the first thing I see is good old Tara behind the bar. She is always a sight for my drunken eyes. I smile at her as I walk in and she waves at me. It is a dead night, but that’s what you get on Mondays. There is only an older gentleman sitting at the bar. He is older, but you can tell he is still in fantastic shape. He may be a runner or a track coach as he is dressed in shorts and a running jacket on this autumn night. He is bald, but you tell it is by design and not the complete natural progression of his hair. This will be good at least I won’t be bothered by too many people tonight.
“What’s up, sexy,” I say to Tara.
“Nothing much. Just another exciting evening here at the bar,” she responds back in her smartass way.
“Well, at least now I’m here and I’m not alone here, so get this gentleman his next drink on me,” I say as I sit down a few stools away from the other gentleman. I may have bought him a drink, but I don’t if this guy wants his privacy or not so I don’t want to just join him. I see Tara start to pour me my good old Jack and Coke and before she gives it to me, she tells the other gentleman that his next drink is paid for by me. She heads over to me with my drink and the older gentleman picks up his beer and raises it to me in his way of thanking me for the free drink.
“Thank you good sir,” he says to me.
“Don’t mention it,” I respond and I decide to move over next to the gentleman. “I’m Dave,” I say to him.
“You can just call me Captain,” he says and we shake hands.
“What brings you out to this hole in the wall tonight?” I ask.
“Not much, just wanted to have a few drinks and watch the hockey game in peace and quiet,” he replies.
“Sounds like a good idea,” I say.
“What brings you out tonight?” he asks.
“Just having my usual drinks for the evening,’ I say.
“Ah, a fellow derelict,” he responds with a loud, bellowing laugh.
“I wouldn’t go that far. I just like having a few drinks every night,” I say back.
“Me too,” responds Captain.
“Yet, you call yourself a derelict,” I say slightly confused.
“By other people’s standards I am, but I’m not like other people,” he says.
“Me neither,” I say with a smile. Tara walks over to check up on us.
“Looks like you two are enjoying each other’s company” she says with a smile to us.
“I can always walk into any bar and find a fellow derelict to have a conversation with,” Captain says.
“This is a great guy,” I say.
“At least you are keeping him from talking to me all night,” Tara says to him with a smile as she points at me.
“Oh, don’t you worry I got plenty of time for you,” I say right back.
“In that case, I’ll be over at the other end of the bar, holding my breath and dying from the anticipation of what you will have to say,” she says in her joking manner to me.
“Now, I don’t want to be the cause of any delays of her anticipation,” Captain says with a laugh.
“Believe me, you aren’t standing in the way of anything,” Tara says to him.
“I’ll always be here. You can’t get rid of me that easily,” I say.
“That’s fucking wonderful,” she says with a laugh. “I got my own fucking stalker. One that I can’t even get a restraining order for.”
“Why can’t you get a restraining order?” Captain says with a laugh.
“If I did, I’m sure they would fire my ass because of all the money he spends in here. No matter what happens, I’m shit out of luck here,” Tara says as she laughs with both of us.
“That’s right, the customer is always right. It’ll be a long time before you get rid of me,” I say.
“That’s just great. It’s not even my birthday and I get a great birthday present like that. Could someone just shoot me now?” Tara says jokingly. “Oh, by the way, Dave, fuck you.”
“I love being the instigator,” Captain replies.
“If you love being the instigator, then fuck you too,” Tara says with a smile.
“That’s the spirit! Don’t take our derelict shit,” Captain says with a laugh.
“Will you spank us if we get too bad tonight,” I say laughing.
“You would like that way too much,” Tara says.
“How do you know that I wouldn’t like it!” Captain exclaims.
“Jesus Christ, I got two fucking jokers in here tonight! Ain’t my life just great,” Tara says throwing her hands up in the air in playful disgust.
“Could be worse, there could be no one in here,” I say.
“That would be great because I would have some peace and quiet,” Tara says and after a brief pause she continues, “I see you boys are ready for another round.”
“Si,” replies Captain.
“Si,” I respond following Captain’s lead. Tara just rolls her eyes at us and laughs as she walks away to get our drinks. It doesn’t take her long to come back with my Jack and Coke and Captain’s Iron City bottle.
“Here ya go, you derelicts,” Tara says as she gives us our drinks.
“Thanks,” I say.
“Gratzie!” Captain exclaims.
“I think I will leave you two alone for a while,” Tara says.
“Just don’t be gone for too long,” Captain says as Tara walks away from us with a smile on her face and she starts reading a book. For a moment, Captain and I are silent watching the game for a few moments. Now, I’m stuck in that uncomfortable silence again that I hate so much. There are moments for silence, like at work or when I’m home alone, but in a place like this, silence affects me. Maybe I’m just scared that the rest of life will be full of the din of silence pounding through my soul, but I don’t know what else to do. Being alone and single at 25 doesn’t sound bad, but when you are 35 it’s more than a little unnerving. I’ve gone through all these days of my life never knowing the feeling of someone being in love with me. I’d love to be able to say that I’m ok with that, but that would be a lie, after all I’m hiding from the world in a place like this numbing myself on a nightly basis. It’s the story of my life; I’m unwanted and unlovable.
“You’re a little young to be drinking so hard,” Captain interrupts my thoughts that envelop my mood. “I assume that you aren’t a student anymore.”
“I guess some of us never want to grow up,” I respond.
“Ah, the idea that if you never grow up, you’ll never grow old; that’s one fight you will lose my friend,” Captain says.
“I don’t know about that. I just don’t care to follow the norms of society,” I say.
“Why’s that?” he asks me and I have to take a moment to think about that. I’ve always said that I don’t care to follow the norms of society, but there are still things that I want that fall into the norms. I want to have a family. I want to have some sort of financial stability. I just fell away from pursuing the things that I wanted and the only thing I felt was that I was never going to be good enough for anything or anyone.
“I guess, I’m just tired of the perception of normality. Life isn’t the same as it was 10 years ago and I can’t stand the lack of culture that has happened in that time. It’s like we surrendered ourselves to mediocrity,” I say trying to get the subject off of me and deal with the larger picture.
“Life always changes,” he replies.
“Doesn’t mean I have to like it,” I say rather flatly as I light up another cigarette.
“Sir, I’ve seen a lot of shit in my days. It changes from bad to good to worse to complete and total shit. You just have to deal with it. It will turn once again into a culture you like and there will be others like you complaining about how bad things are. It is the way of this country; there will always be disagreement,” Captain says as he takes a long drink of his beer.
“That’s the problem with too much freedom; you can never get an agreement between people and it wouldn’t be America without someone bitching about something,” I say as I too take a drink from my glass.
“That’s right we have free speech and never before has there been so much open avenues to express that freedom. We have cable TV, talk radio and one can never forget the marvels of the internet keeping open the lines of meaningless conversation going,” Captain responds.
“Of course, the wonders of the internet and those wonderful social networking sights have done nothing to build the intellect of this nation. God damn, Facebook and Twitter for turning people into mindless drones who do nothing but sit in front of a computer all day talking with people or playing games. Most of these people just want to have has many people like them so they can feel important; some of them have conversations with people they have never even met. God forbid, people go out and have direct communication with the three-dimensional people who are out there living and breathing. I guess that’s what the local pub is for,” I say with a noticeable tone of anger in my voice.
“Of course, you can never get rid of the feeling of the local bar and the joys that come from downing a few drinks with friends, or start finding things to fire people up so they can actually have an intelligent conversation,” Captain says.
“You did say you were an instigator,” I say with a small laugh.
“Just can’t instigate the changes that you would like to see,” he says.
“I do want to see a change. I’m tired of watching a generation that for a brief moment in time stood up to the world and demanded that the world hear our voice and then quietly we got sucked into a world of corporate manipulation. Seriously, just because you see something on TV, doesn’t mean that you need it,” I say.
“People are suckers for fulfilling a perceived level of status,” Captain interjects.
“EXACTLY!” I say rather loudly causing Tara to look up at me in shock that there was that much spirit coming out of me. “My God, you are a fucking genius. You should write a fucking book. Back to what I was trying to say, it’s like the whole country has become a sycophantic slave to these ad campaigns that we get bombarded with everywhere.”
“People always want what they think they do not have, so much that they often forget the things that they have or actually need,” Captain says.
“For a brief example, let’s look at cell phones. They were awful in the first place, but now, people need ones with cameras, video cameras, full internet access, the ability to watch movies, and have the capacity to hold every song ever recorded. Have we lost that much self-control that we need to listen to a song whenever we want? Do we really need cool, personalized ring tones? Really, how self-involved have we become that we feel that we need to be able to be reached at any given moment in time. I like people not being able to get a hold of me. It adds a little mystery. I’m not a doctor or lawyer who needs to be reached at a moment’s notice. So many people out there have such a self-aggrandizing attitude that they feel that they are more important than they actually are; it’s just sad. Of course, I can’t forget about text messaging. People don’t even use their phones to actual call each other anymore; they send each other fucking text messages! Not that these messages are important or anything or something that you could ask the other person by making a fucking phone call to the person, but the thing that infuriates me is that they have their own cute, little text language full of their God damn abbreviations. I guess, they think that they have to get their random thought out there so fast that they can’t wait the extra second to actually type the real word. People actually race each other to see who can text faster. How is that advancing society? Text abbreviations are like the cavemen painting pictures on the wall to communicate, except they didn’t have a fucking language to bastardize! All technological advancements do is dumb down the people and make them fatter and lazier than they already are. The world doesn’t hate us because we are capitalists. They hate us because all we do with technological advancements is satisfying our fucking id! I have to ask you because you are an older gentleman and I have lost track in my own my mind, but how the hell did people survive for so long without cell phones?” I finally end the rant that was going on for too long and I needed to suck down some of my drink anyway.
“Good sir, that was quite a little rant you had there,” Captain says. “But to answer your question, people had to go out and communicate with one another and if there was someone in your life that you missed you had to go out of your way to get in touch with them, which made it more special. I must add that you are a little too young to be so bitter.”
I sit there for a second to think about what this man had just said to me. It’s true that I have become very bitter and angry over the years. I don’t remember always feeling this way. I remember times that I was very happy indeed, but I don’t know what happened to those times.
“You’re right, I am very bitter. I’m just so fucking tired of watching the world judge people on the things they own. It doesn’t make you a better person; it just means you have better things. Don’t get me wrong, I can afford to buy those things; I just can’t allow myself to buy into that shit.”
“My guess is that you are probably against those in charge as well,” Captain says.
“Please, don’t let me get started on those bastards,” I say as I light up another smoke. “It is such bullshit how the pulse of the country is so cyclical. We have a time where we have the liberals in charge and then it fluctuates back to the conservatives and we all forget that the majority of people in this country are moderates at heart. The bottom line is the whole landscape of politics changed that night when the conservatives stole the power.”
“Stole their power, that is quite an accusation there,” Captain responds.
“Don’t tell me you forgot that election nonsense in 2000. That was the biggest hose job I ever saw in my life. Then for eight long years we had to deal with those assholes trying to save us from ourselves, while the whole time they were lining their pockets,” I respond.
“Down with Big Brother!” Captain exclaims.
“Fuck yeah! It’s all bullshit. This country is losing more and more jobs every day. The only blessing I can see is that we elected a President who at least feel gives a shit about the people. That election night three years ago gave me a sense of hope and optimism that I haven’t felt in my adult life. Of course that sense of hope and optimism got washed away by the reality that there is no magic key to fix the problems that we have. The things that have divided us are far stronger than the things that unite us and ultimately that is the truest truth,” I say and take a long drag of my smoke and exhale into the air. “I’m just tired of the government speaking on things that are none of their business.”
“Like?” Captain asks.
“Like gay marriage, I’m not gay, but I could give two shits if two homosexuals want to get married and neither should the federal government. When did it become the government’s job to tell people who they could love,” I say.
“The Bible does say it is wrong,” Captain interjects.
“The Bible was also written by men to incorporate social norms onto people with the fear of some eternal father figure making his children suffer forever in some Hell, because we didn’t follow the rules. I’ll go so far as to say that the Bible is the greatest piece of literature ever written. It has everything. Sex, violence, a magical creature that watches over everyone and everything, oppression of people, revolution, destruction, and a set of rules that have taken over the whole world fill that book. Everyone in the world at least know what the Ten Commandments are or who Jesus Christ was. Religion is a form of social control. Then again, it’s an answer that no one truly knows, because no one has come back from the afterlife. The other funny thing about that book is that it tells people to judge not lest ye be judged; yet, those Bible thumpers are quick to throw out judgment on others. It’s hypocrisy,” I say.
“Some people feel the need to butt into other people’s lives,” he once again interjects on the matter.
“Except now, everyone is living their lives like open fucking books. I realize that I’m going to sound like a prude here, but we’ve turned into a nation of sexual fetishes. The majority of people do not have any sense of personal privacy anymore. People are posting out on their Facebook’s who they fuck for the whole world to know; there is a part of me that respects the brashness of such acts, there’s a bigger part of me that believes some things should maintain a level of privacy. We have turned the act of making love to someone into something very trivial and miniscule that it has lost some of its specialness. The truth is that if a person only had one partner for life that they are considered deviant and usually ridiculed for making such a choice. The only people that are made fun of more than virgins are fat people and that is also just ridiculous, because who the fuck gives anyone the right to make fun of someone for who they are as a person. You talked about the perceived level of status; it used to be about your house and your car, but now it seems like the highest form of status is how many people you fuck. It’s all about quantity and not quality anymore,” I say and finish of my drink.
“So, you think we are watching the end of America?” Captain asks me.
“I don't know if we're there yet, but we are getting close to the point of no return. Most of our money is locked up in like 10 banks. What happens if they crash? America is fucked! Of course, we'll keep bailing them out from their mistakes with our money and use our tax dollars to keep them from going bankrupt. We have to cut spending somehow, but that seems like a foreign concept now. This is what happens when the government gives tax breaks to companies for moving jobs overseas. What the fuck is that about! That makes no sense whatsoever, how are people supposed to buy things when they don't have the money to do so? The price of everything has gone up significantly, yet the average household income has dropped drastically. That's not the basis of a good economy. Like I said earlier, big business controls the government so, therefore, they control us. Now, I'm not disregarding those people who run companies, they should be paid well for their work, but do they make too much? The inequality between the rich and the poor is larger than any modern country, yet no one sees this as a problem. The middle class is shrinking every day and no one cares. We've become a nation of individuals, not a nation of communities,” I say with another long exhale when I’m done with another rant.
“People are trained and raised now to only care about themselves and no the world around them,” Captain finishes off my idea.
“That’s just bullshit,” I remark. As I say that Captain finishes off his beer and then he pulls out a little device out of his pocket. It’s a small red, circular piece of plastic that is black on the bottom. He then flicks the switch on the bottom and it sends off a flashing red light. He sets it on the bar next to his empty bottle. Tara notices this and heads over.
“What the fuck is this,” she says with a smile on her face.
“It’s the Captain’s signal. It tells the bartender that I’m ready for another,” he says as he laughs.
“You put way too much effort into your drinking,” Tara says as she picks it up grinning the whole time. That smile of hers is like a shot of electricity running through my veins. It reminds me of the way I felt that night when she and I had kissed so many months ago. It reminds me of a time so long ago, when I once was so full of life and hope that the world would be mine to do whatever I wanted to do with the rest of my days. However, as the case is with most sparks if they don’t catch fire the spark dies as quickly as it started.
“You have to make the night entertaining,” Captain says. “While you’re at it, could you get the angry, young man here another drink?” Tara puts down his little device and heads over to make my drink and get him another beer. Just as quick as Tara left us, she’s back with our drinks and places them in front of us.
“Thank you, Captain,” I say.
“No problem, jackass,” he says as jokingly and laughs.
“So, what were you guys discussing earlier that got Dave all riled up earlier?” Tara asks.
“How wonderful things are in America,” I respond.
“Dave here is not entirely happy with the way things are heading in the country right now,” Captain interjects.
“And why is that?” Tara asks.
“Because, we’ve finally given ourselves completely and totally to the capitalist whores,” I flatly say.
“The capitalist whores! That’s a little harsh,” Tara exclaims to me.
“Nope, we’ve become a country that is now run by businesses and not the elected leadership. The government has gone from a vibrant, life force and turned into an impotent old man,” I say.
“That’s some radical shit. You are saying that the government has no power,” Captain says.
“It’s true. They gave away all their power to foreign investors and lobbyists that have no concern for the common man. All they want from us is our fucking money!” I burst out in exclamation.
“You do have the choice to not give them your money,” Tara responds.
“I don’t,” I respond as I light up another smoke.
“You sure do give good, old JD a lot of your money,” Tara says with a smile in hopes of trying to lighten up the mood.
“You’re right,” I say as I pick up my glass. “At least, they are an American company. I know that they do have some international plants, but their bread and butter is still here in America, but such is the way of business now, I guess.”
“He does have a point about too many companies moving their jobs overseas and taking too many jobs away from hard-working Americans,” Captain says.
“Everything is about screwing us, the dumb customer,” I say. “Remember, the free market will look after the people of this country, not the government. We have simpletons in power and they have devalued education. To be intelligent in modern America is not a blessing, it’s a curse.”
“That’s an interesting thought,” Captain says.
“Can’t take complete credit for it; I embellished a little Vonnegut,” I say.
“Hey now, we are at the bar; there’s no need to pull out the heavy hitters,” Captain says with a laugh.
“Well, Dave here does have a degree in English,” Tara says.
“That means you are intelligent and as you said has no value,” Captain says.
“It doesn’t. The real problem with education is that it opens up your mind to things and you just can’t take the time to deal with the stupid things anymore,” I respond.
“Like what?” he asks.
“Like what some celebrity was wearing for example,” I start to say as I feel another rant coming on so I take a quick drink of my glass before I continue. “Do we really need to know every fucking, minute detail of these people’s lives? I really don’t care who is fucking who or what club someone is going to. I’m so sick of these fucking socialites on the damn TV and I’m sure that some of these celebrities are tired of it as well on some level. I thought people had the right to live their personal lives off-camera. Those fucking pariah that follow them around to take a picture is disgusting as it is pathetic. I would hate to have my income depended upon whether or not I could get a picture of a famous person leaving their home. Get a real fucking job already! We’ve given our minds and wallets to the advertisers and marketers and it has crippled our society.”
“Yeah, but they are making money and making some people happy,” Tara interrupts for a moment.
“And making millions more pissed off every day,” I fire back.
“When the revolution happens, we’ll sort all this shit out,” Captain says.
“That’s not even going to stop anything anymore. We’ve become satiated by the scraps of garbage that corporate America feeds us. We’ve become content to beg for more and won’t dare try to shake things up,” I say.
“So, now we are the equivalent of bums on the streets?” Tara asks me.
“Absolutely. Every day they come out with some piece of shit gadget that is supposed to make our lives easier, but the truth is that whatever they create are objects and not needed, but they persuade us into thinking that we do,” I say.
“Again, you don’t have to buy it,” Tara says.
“That’s not the point. I know that I don’t have to buy it! All of us need to stop giving these assholes our money. What good is it in the long run? Who cares what kind of shoes one wears? Who cares what kind of car one drives? It’s all bullshit and not what life is supposed to be about. Each day we live is nothing more than a pretest for the real test that happens when we move on to the next level of life. Whether you believe in a Heaven or a Hell or some other kind of reincarnation, the truth is that most people believe in some sort of afterlife. That’s the test I want to ace and if you don’t believe that this life is transitory and the actions in this life have an effect on your place in the next, then you are merely a prisoner of the moment. One thing we share is that we all wake up dead one day. Even Jesus Christ, if you believe in him, didn’t get off this mudball alive and our lives should be judged not on the things we own, but the person we are,” I say and take a good long drink from my glass.
“Are you off your soapbox now?” Tara asks.
“Fuck you,” I say with a smile.
“There’s the Dave I remember,” Tara says.
“Guess I brought that out of him. It was a very poetic speech though,” Captain says.
“Yes it was,” Tara says with a smile. “It is surprising to hear words of wisdom from someone who is drunk, all I usually get is ‘Hey baby, you’ve got nice tits!’ Like that’s going to win my heart and get me to take off my clothes.”
“You’ve got nice tits!” I say being a complete and total smartass.
“I know I have nice tits,” Tara says as she playful grabs her bountiful breasts. “I don’t need to be reminded of that by drunk, horny assholes that couldn’t get laid by a real woman if they could read our minds. This is as close that any of them will ever get to see my tits, so they can wish all they want, but we know which hand will fill up first,” Tara says as she makes the motion with her hand of what would be a guy playing with themselves.
“That’s mean,” I say.
“No, it’s not. Only special get to see me naked; I’m sure that you guys don’t go around showing off your cocks to every girl,” she says.
“Well,” I start to say.
“Any girl, who will look,” Captain finishes my thought.
“Guys are fucking disgusting!” she says with a loud laugh.
“Si,” Captain says.
“At least, we are all the same; we all think with our cock,” I say.
“And us dumbass girls continue to fall into that trap, it’s amazing that the whole female race hasn’t turned into lesbians,” Tara says.
“Right. What’s a single, heterosexual male to do these days? All the great girls are either taken or are gay,” I say.
“You poor baby,” Tara says. “Wait a minute; you don’t think that Kristi or I are great girls?”
“I didn’t say that,” I say.
“You said all the great girls were already taken,” Tara reiterates what I had said.
“I’d be with you in a heartbeat and you know that, but you turned me down. I didn’t know Kristi was single,” I say.
“I never turned you down. I just said that I don’t date customers,” Tara says as she looks directly into my eyes to make sure that I understood what she had just said to me.
“Same difference,” I say.
“Not really,” Captain says.
“Exactly,” Tara says agreeing with him.
“Maybe so, but would you really want me to stop coming in here to see you,” I say.
“Maybe,” Tara says causing an awkward moment of silence for the three of us. Captain uses this moment to finish off his beer.
“Well, I think it’s time to head on home, but we’ll sort out all this shit later,” Captain says.
“Night, Captain, it was nice meeting you. Hopefully, I’ll see you around some we can sort out all this shit,” I say as the two of us shake hands.
“Thanks,” Tara says as she picks up his empty bottle and some money that was left for a tip. “Have a good night.”
He nods his head to Tara and then proceeds to head out the door. I’m glad he decided to leave, but I kind of wished he had stayed, because I’m not sure how to handle this moment that just passed. It rarely happens that a woman that you believe to be so far out of your wildest dreams actually lets a moment happen where the opportunity to obtain that wildest dream is within reach. The tension inside my mind is so tight that I feel like my head might explode clean off my shoulders. This is the chance that I never thought could ever happen and all I have to do is just take advantage of the chance that has come to pass. I decide to take one large drink out of my glass before I jump into this conversation.
“This is awkward,” I say.
“A little,” Tara responds.
“We have made out once before,” I remind her.
“True,” she says with almost no emotion.
“So, if I stopped coming here, do you think we would have a chance?” I ask.
“As good of a chance as any,” she says after she paused for a moment to think of how to respond to my inquiry.
I look down at my glass that is almost empty and stare deeply enough that I swear I can see the ice melting inside the glass as it has almost lost its solid state of coldness swimming in the warmth of the liquor. It feels like I can feel a layer of the coldness that has grown inside me start to melt away from the warmth of the possibility of a world where I have the chance of having a million firsts with this amazing, beautiful woman. All I have to do is make this my last drink and a different life is there for the taking. I swallow down the rest of the drink and I can feel it burn all the way down and I’m not sure why I enjoy that uncomfortable sensation so much. “I guess that’s an option for me,” I finally say to her with a smile and she grabs my empty glass and starts to pour me another and I can not only hear, but feel the voice in the back of head screaming at me to tell her to not make another one. This is the moment you’ve been dreaming about since the first time you laid eyes on Tara and here you letting it slip out of your grasp, because you want to have another drink. What is more important to you? A drink or a the chance of the love of a beautiful woman, my mind is screaming at me as I sit there in silence as Tara brings me what I guess I really want and that’s another drink.
“I know that I wouldn’t want you to drink so much,” Tara says to break the silence and to get me away from the voice in my head.
“It’s always something between us,” I say with a smile.
“You have to make a choice at some point as to what is important to you,” she says.
“I don’t have to make that choice tonight,” I say as I take another drink.
“No, you don’t, but at some point you should make the choice that you feel is best for you,” Tara says as I can feel her eyes staring right through me as if she is trying to find that inner voice inside of me that is screaming for her.
I look down and rub my right hand through my hair to try and think for a moment, but I know that I can’t answer that voice right now. I don’t have the strength in me at the moment and I can feel the voice in my head start to quiet down. “Changing the subject, but why don’t you have a boyfriend?” I ask to take some of the focus on me and something that I’m not ready to deal with right now.
“No good guys around,” she casually says.
“I see,” I say.
Tara looks at me and has a slight sigh knowing that she is going to have to give me a little more explanation. I just don’t want to talk about me right now. I’d love to hear more about her at this moment in time.
“It’s tough for me, because all guys want is the body and I’m not that easy. I deserve to have a guy want me for everything that I am,” she says.
“Really,” I say.
“Yeah, I’m 24 years old and have only been one guy in my life,” Tara says.
“Wow! You could have any guy you want; I’m sorry that you’ve only found one so far,” I say still in disbelief over what she had said to me.
“I’m sorry too, but for a whole different reason. I’m sorry that I broke up with him,” she says.
“Why did you?” I ask.
“Because I was young and stupid and listened to all of my friends,” she says and then takes a deep breath as a way of catching the emotion that obviously is still a part of her. “All of my friends were telling me that I could have a much hotter guy. He wasn’t ugly or anything like that, but you know my friends thought he was out of my league. He was normal looking, but more importantly, he was nice. He treated me how I wanted to be treated.”
“That sucks,” I say not sure what to say to her.
“Yeah, so I did the stupid thing and broke up with him and started dating these so-called hotter guys and they didn’t even come close to comparing to him,” she says.
“How’s that?” I ask.
“It was so obvious that all they wanted from me was to fuck me. In their urge for that, none of them even got close,” she says.
“It’s good to see that you have some strong convictions,” I say.
“Then I tried to go back with my ex,” Tara says as if she didn’t hear what I said and she was just lost in the moment and the grief of a regret. “They say that it’s better to regret something you did, then something you didn’t do and I believe that statement comes from people who have never felt anything for another person and are so self-centered that they would never regret anything anyway because you can’t regret, if you don’t care about anything more than yourself. When I tried to get back to him again, he was happy with someone else and I couldn’t interfere with that.”
“You must’ve really loved him,” I say.
“I still do, but I have to live with that fuck up that I made and hope that one day I’ll be able to make up for that mistake and find someone that I will never want to let go of, but that’s hard when all guys think of when they see me is trying to get some pussy,” she says.
“Every guy is going to want some pussy,” I respond.
“True, just like every girl wants some dick. At least the straight ones,” she says with a smile. “But there is a difference between wanting to be with and just wanting to fuck me.”
“All girls want dick!” I say with a big smile trying to lighten her mood.
“The real thing is usually better than the vibrator,” she says.
“I think some girls would definitely disagree with that statement,” I respond.
“Maybe so, I’ve only had one guy and it was good, so I don’t have a point of comparison. For me, the real thing is better than masturbation,” she says and pauses for a second. “So, why don’t you have a girlfriend or wife?”
“You have to ask that question,” I say as I take a drink to emphasize the point.
“I’m sure you weren’t always this way,” she says.
“No. The truth is I’ve only had one girlfriend in my life,” I say.
“What happened there?” she asks and I’m surprised that she is actually interested in hearing this.
“She left me. She was beautiful and smart and sexy; way out of my fucking league. Classic story of a guy fighting outside of his weight class and I got knocked out. I guess in some ways, I’m still on the mat,” I say.
“Why’d she leave?” she asks.
“I still don’t know the why, but the why doesn’t really matter. The reality is she chose to not be with me and I’m still wondering how that happened. I can only think that there are things about me that push people away,” I explain.
“Like what?” she asks.
“Another time for that, maybe after another round of blues,” I say.
“Fair enough,” Tara says.
“It’s hard for me to think of being with other girls, because that was one that I shouldn’t have been with. All other girls just seem plain to me,” I say.
“Nothing wrong with plain Jane,” says Tara.
“No, there isn’t, but it’s hard after being with someone that beautiful. Although, she was a bit of a bitch,” I say and laugh.
“Really?” Tara asks.
“She had her moments, but she was nice most of the time,” I say.
“We all have our moments,” Tara says.
“I know. It’s all for the best anyway. If I was with her, then I wouldn’t be here talking with you,” I say.
“That’s true,” Tara says with a smile.
“So, if I stopped coming here and slowed my drinking, I may have a chance with you?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” she says as she seems unsure of what to say. “It would definitely be weird for me, because if you did slow down your drinking I wouldn’t be sure if it was because you wanted to or you were doing it to make me happy. Say we tried and it didn’t work out, then you might return to heavy drinking and that is a lot of pressure for me.”
“That is true. To be honest with you, if I did slow down it would be because I wanted to, not because of you,” I say.
“Yeah,” she says.
“And if we didn’t work out, then it shouldn’t matter what I do afterwards,” I say trying hard to convince her that her doubts are not justified.
“It shouldn’t, but I wouldn’t want you to revert back just because of me,” she says.
“I understand,” I say trying hard not to sound completely dejected. I pause for a second to take one big swallow of my drink so I finish my drink and give me a reason to call it a night. “Well, sweetheart, I need to call it a night,” I finally say.
“Good night, Dave. I’ll see you around. Get home safe,” she says to me.
“Good night, Tara,” I say and head to the door to leave and look back at her one last time and I smile at her as our eyes meet for the last time on this night.
